If someone died from an accident that involved violence or harm to the person’s body, survivors who witnessed the event or saw the person afterward may look back on these memories and remember their fear, terror, and panic.Įven those who weren’t present for the death may remember where they were when they found out, what they were doing, and how they felt and responded. For example, if a loved one struggled with a long-term illness, a person may remember how upsetting it was to see them in pain at the end of their life. People may have distressing memories associated with the death. Below are just a few: Revisiting of the details of your loved one’s death: There are many reasons why the events surrounding a loved one’s death might evoke thoughts and emotions related to fear, panic, pain, shame, guilt, and several other internal experiences. We recommend you pace yourself and seek the support of friends, family members, a support group, or therapist. We always want people to be thoughtful and careful when taking on the tough stuff. Though, “facing things” sounds a little too intense in my opinion.
If thoughts about your loved one’s death – or any other aspects of your grief – are haunting you, keeping you up at night, occupying your thoughts, showing up in your dreams, or pushing you towards harmful avoidance – then yes, it’s probably time to face them. But this is a question every person must answer for themselves. Is it worth the pain that looking back will cause? For me, probably. And to be honest, I haven’t decided whether I should. I haven’t faced what I know about them or made peace with what I never will know. Though I’ve explored just about everything about my grief, I seldom revisit the days surrounding my mother’s death. Of course, I know many people have made peace with memories of their loved one’s death and they can look back without feeling fear, guilt, shame, or intense sadness. If my characterization sounds bleak, I guess it’s because this struggle is personal to me.
Many grieving people find themselves stuck in this center, unable to move far past it, while others have somehow made it to the less dense, but still challenging, outskirts and refuse to look back. If grief is a forest, then the death is its impossibly dark and winding center. For those who weren’t there, the absence of memory is often replaced by questions and wondering. If you were there, the memories can remain strong even if the details are foggy. The moments surrounding a loved one’s death can stick with a person.
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